DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I finally told my girlfriend the things that had been annoying me about her for months, she said she felt attacked.
It’s because I’ve never been much of a talker. I’m a shy man of 28 and she’s 30. We met online and it took huge courage for me to actually show up for a date.
We now live together and it’s been great but last night, I told her I didn’t like the way that she dumped her shoes, bag and coat in the hall, leaving them there until the next day – then a load of other complaints came spilling out too.
She stood there with her mouth open and I could tell I’d gone too far.
I apologised but told her that I bottle things up, hence me complaining about things that happened months ago. She’s speaking to me now but only just.
How can I express how I feel right away, so that our relationship becomes easier.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Your girlfriend won’t feel attacked if you use the word ‘I’ rather than ‘You’. Saying, “I feel upset when…” comes over in a softer way than saying, “You annoy me when…”.
Take your time to express your feelings and think about how it will come across to the recipient.
You could begin by asking whether you could talk about something which is bothering you and then she will be prepared.If you need to practise, find some help through a local counsellor at BACP – British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, (bacp.co.uk, 01455 883300).
