A FORMER Byker Grove star has revealed that she developed body dysmorphia after being made to feel worthless by makeup artists on the show.
Holly Matthews 39, was just 11-years-old when she was cast as Emma Miller in the popular BBC children’s TV series.
The actress, who now runs the award-winning The Happy Me Project, which helps women build their confidence, revealed that as soon as she walked into the make-up room on set, she was criticised by the staff.
“As a pre-teen in the 90s I was very unaware of how to do my hair, make up and had very little knowledge of the fashion of the time (other than what I saw my school friends wear),” Holly told MailOnline.
“I remember stepping into the bright make up room and feeling so small next to the older (more experienced) girls in the cast. They were only a few years older than me but they seemed so sophisticated and self-assured, as I held back unsure of what to do.
“The make-up artist engulfed them in compliments: ‘Your hair looks amazing!’ ‘Wow, you look so beautiful’ and then she turned to me and said ‘Oh you’ve got really bad skin, we’ll have to cover that’ as I felt my face burn red.”
Holly said that this moment, had a “profound” effect on the rest of her life.
The Newcastle-born actress spent six months of the year filming the show, known for plummeting Ant and Dec to fame, and said that during this time she always had someone “correcting” her face.
“The other six months were spent seeing my face on TV and being very conscious of people looking at me”, she said.
Holly said that because she was constantly seeing herself on TV, she began to view her body through the eyes of other people.
“I almost saw myself and my body as a product, a character that I needed to paint, chop and adapt to fit the version the world needed me to be”, she said.
“I now understand this is called self-objectification.”
Self-objectification refers to when someone views themselves first as a physical object, and as a human second.
This can result in people becoming extremely critical of their own bodies.
From a very young age, Holly began to make a long list of all of the cosmetic procedures she thought she needed to have, including breast implants.
Holly's Top Tips For Body Confidence
Get to know yourself and your body.
We don’t stay the same forever and as we age it’s easy to lose ourselves in amongst all of the adult responsibilities we’re surrounded with. Take time to get to know this era of you and explore your current likes, dislikes, wants and desires. Explore how your body moves and every inch of this version of you. They may not be the same as they once were and that’s OK. We don’t have to stay the same forever. Celebrate your ‘quirks’ by recognising that some of your ‘worst’ qualities, may also be your ‘best’. Changing the disempowering labels, you give yourself can help you see the good in all that you are.
Be kind to your body- Start treating your own body with a kindness and love that is easy to forget to do. This might be applying moisturiser, suncream, massage, Warm baths and even exercise (as long as this is done to be kind does not punish).
Use kinder language. We aren’t going for perfection, just something gentler. If you’re currently using the worst words to describe who you are then find anything softer than this. You may not yet be able to get to ‘I am beautiful’ but perhaps you can achieve ‘I am OK.’ Or even a natural stance of ‘I have a body’ or gratitude of something your body has done for you.
Change the story Where did the negative messaging come from that is currently living within your mind? An old school friend, teacher, critical parent or partner, I guarantee there is a story attached to why you are being harsh on yourself, and we start here. This story was never yours and you get to give it back to whoever gave it to you. Challenge the narrative and if it’s not a supportive belief or story, then play with the notion of ‘what happens if I no longer believe this?’ and consider how your life would change for the better and all you would gain.
Challenge yourself to start being seen. Wear the dress you think you can’t, ditch the ‘all black attire’ and sprinkle in some colour. Wear horizontal hoops, shorts, glitter and ignore old troupes like ‘mutton dressed as lamb’. Allow fashion to be fun and playful and don’t let anyone tell you who you can be.
She added that everywhere she looked, she began to see “confirmation” of the problems with her appearance.
“A blonde glamour model with big breasts, well that was proof of how ugly I was.
“A comment about how I looked like my dad would mean I looked like a boy and wasn’t feminine.
“On one occasion I overheard a relative saying they thought my sister was more ‘naturally pretty’ than me and this translated to me as ‘you will always have to TRY to look pretty.’ “
Holly became obsessed with her looks, constantly applying fake tan, straightening her hair and piling on makeup.
She revealed that she became “consumed” by body dysmorphia, and couldn’t see what other people saw in her.
“Every time I looked in the mirror, all I could see was something to change, fix and correct, “she said.
“It was utterly exhausting and meant I would get up at excruciating hours of the day to make sure I had executed my painstaking ritual of getting ready and could leave the house.”
However, thankfully Holly began to recognise that her behaviour was not healthy, and started going to therapy and reading self-development books.
This started to take effect, and Holly became more confident in her body, sometimes braving going out without makeup and fake tan.
During her pregnancy to her eldest daughter Brooke, now 13, Holly felt happy with her growing bump.
However, after her daughter arrived, she struggled with the fact that her body did not go back to the way it had been before.
As I stared at my post- pregnancy stomach in the mirror, with red raw ‘scratches’ crawling up my stomach I sobbed”, she said. “This felt like failure.”
Holly was a size six after giving birth, and fit back into her pre-pregnancy jeans almost immediately.
However, her body dysmorphia convinced her that she needed a tummy tuck, so she booked herself into Harley Street for a consultation.
After explaining her concerns during a consultation, she was declined surgery and told to give herself time to process her new body.
Holly described this as a wake-up call and thanked the “kind” and “compassionate” woman who declined her surgery.
Since that day, Holly has worked hard on her mindset, and has now written a book, Find Your Confidence: The No-Nonsense Guide To Self-Belief, to share her advice with others.
Sharing some of the key things that initially helped her to change her mindset, Holly said: “STOP, DELETE and EDIT. Hear what your inner critic says ‘You’re so ugly, you can’t wear that’ STOP, DELETE the critical sentence and REPLACE with something BETTER, ‘I look OK’ ‘I suit the colour yellow’ and work from there.
“Accept compliments with a THANK YOU and without going into a slew of all the reasons I’m the opposite of what they just said.
“Stop reading beauty and gossip magazines (as Baz Lurman said ‘they will only make you feel ugly!’)
“But most importantly I focused on what my body could do and was compassionate about its journey.”
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